The Emmerance's Podcast

Beyond the Gloom: Understanding and Overcoming Depression

• Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala • Season 3 • Episode 63

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When the weight of everyday life feels like a crushing burden, when your spark dims beneath a veil of depression, I understand. My journey through depression's shadowed valleys taught me invaluable lessons I'm sharing with you today. It's a raw look at the struggle with mental illness, the pressure cooker of African cultural expectations, and a guide to finding your light again. I, Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala, get candid about the toll it took on my college days, the financial strains, and the hidden battles many face in silence.

Strategies for reclaiming your life are not just about surviving; they're about thriving. This episode offers an arsenal of tools for those who fight the invisible fight—guided journals, self-help literature, and personal anecdotes that chart a course toward wellness. It's a celebration of small victories, an affirmation of self-worth, and a reminder that, like the most resilient plants, we, too, can flourish with the proper care. By addressing our fundamental needs and setting boundaries, we edge closer to the pinnacle of Maslow's hierarchy.

In this heartfelt installment, the path to overcoming depression is neither straight nor easy. It's filled with the necessity for vulnerability, the courage to seek help, and the importance of prioritizing oneself. Sharing my experiences with therapy and the journey to self-care, I provide solace and companionship for those navigating these murky waters. If you're seeking solidarity in your battle against gloom or eager to lend a hand to someone else, this conversation is an outstretched hand in the darkness.

Freebie promotion: Grab the free Ebook The Beauty of Self-Love: How to Find Love In Your Singleness. http://emmerance.com/free-ebook

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About Emmerance:

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala is a Self-Empowerment Coach, personal development blogger and Transformational speaker. She has been helping people with their self-love and personal development journey by being their coach or accountability partner.

If you have any questions, contact Emmerance @TheEmmerance or email Victoria@Emmerance.com.

Instagram: @TheEmmerance

Website: Emmerance.com

Music Credits: @sakionthebeat

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

The first step is to remove everything that you are not interested in, everything that, really, if you don't want to do something, don't feel bad about it, just don't do it. If you want to stay home, stay home. This is the Emmerance's podcast, where we empower you to choose yourself, because there's no other human being that's more important in this world than you. This might sound selfish, but it's not. If you believe that choosing yourself is selfish, then I want you to know that self first isn't selfish, and I will tell you why. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of the Emmerance's podcast. I'm your host, Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala, and hi, I'm on camera, I'm on YouTube. This was probably too loud for my camera, but I'm just so excited because this is a new challenge for me and I just want to take my whole journey of personal branding and podcasting to a next level and take it seriously too. I took a long break when I moved to Vancouver and things like that, so I just wanted to push, to give myself some extra push and no more waiting and stuff. So here I am on YouTube, guys, welcome if you're new to the Emmerance's podcast, and today I wanted to talk about something touchy, something that I've been thinking about for a long time. I was like is this appropriate to talk about, to talk about it on the podcast? I'm not sure, but it is something that really helped me. So I think it's going to help you and if you're going through it, I hope this message or this podcast episode helps you long term.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

So today's podcast episode, just to get into the point, we're talking about depression. Yeah, so depression, what is depression? I mean you can Google it. You can Google depression and you'll see what it means. But for me, in my own words, depression really means that you're going through it. You're going through those downs, the lowest of the lows, and I think depression is something that people really don't know about. Even when you go through it. You don't really know what depression is until you go through it.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

In my own words, depression is that moment, that season in your life where you feel super down, you feel super low, your energy is low, not even energy. You can have energy but you want. Your will of doing certain things is just not there, like cleaning, cleaning especially, just not your space, but your yourself, everything, like trying to put yourself out there and go to work. You don't want to do that anymore. You lost all the wills to live. Depression can be as simple things as you're feeling anxious and it turns into sadness, and then it's like a period of depression. It can be a week or a day, or you can take months or years.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

And if you're here listening to this podcast episode or watching it on YouTube, I just want you to know that it is a season, it's going to stop, it's going to go away. I'm going to talk about the going away part later. But when you're going through depression, one thing that you have to understand that it's a season in your life and every season in your life is temporary. Just know this. Every season in your life is temporary. Things will get better and things can also get worse, but just know that the better your life is, it's not going to stay that way, it's going to get worse. And then the worse also is not going to stay worse, it's going to get better. So that's just how life is Now. If you're going through depression right now, you have all my compassion. You have you know I'm sending you lots of positive energy. I want you to heal. I want you to find whatever you're looking for in this world and, you know, find your peace. If you want me to talk about a specific thing to help you out, just leave a comment below and I will be happy to discuss it in another video. Now to get into this topic of depression, I've been depressed like consciously when I say consciously is me actually remembering what went through down and how I did it To you know, get better.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

The first one, I did not really face it. It was in 2015. I was going through a lot of acne issues. My acne was usually on my back and I didn't really care. My mom told me you know, stop eating peanuts and stuff. You have back acne. It's not cute, stop that. But I didn't listen and God sent me home to understand what she meant. Okay, my God, he just works in different ways, but one way that he worked was to send acne in my face, not my back.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

Guys, I had acne all over my face for years, but it started in 2015 and I was in university and I had to just hide my acne. I had to hide it. It was not making me feel pretty, I was really feeling ugly. I was jealous of anyone that was pretty. That journey was really tough because I needed some self-love and I couldn't find it. So I hid my face with like a crochet hairstyle where it's like curly hair and you have the curly bangs and just how I have my hair right now. I was covering my face here here and big forehead cover, cover, cover. And whenever someone would look at me, I felt like they could see the acne that was hiding behind the weight of makeup that I had on my face just to hide it. And back then I was just like you know what it's? It's acne. I didn't really think about it much. I thought that, you know, I was just sad because of the acne and it was making me feel sad, but I will be better. So that was the things that kept me going like I was. I had school, I had to go to school and I had exams and I had to do all of these things, and so I kept myself busy.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

2015 goes by, 2018 comes and the biggest depression of my life hits me, and back then I was dealing with student loans issues. I received a letter from the student loans department at near the end of 2017 telling me that they will never well, not never they will no longer pay me some student loans because I lied about my income. But before you start judging me, I did not lie about my income, okay, I was just so ignorant about many things. When you become an adult, you have to deal with taxes and fill out all of these things loans, especially student loans like why would you give it to someone that doesn't even know how to do their taxes? Like in 2017, I started doing my taxes and I did three years of taxes I think three or two and I was just catching up on, like every adult things, and they noticed that I didn't like I worked, but I didn't declare it on my student loans, and I was waiting for when I was really gonna reapply for student loans to tell them that, hey, I didn't make money, but apparently you have to like let them know as soon as you can anyways. So I received that letter.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

Man, I had three semesters left to finish and have my bachelor's degree. I had to pay those by myself, I had to pay my tuition by myself and I had to make it work. I did not want to take a break to go and like work, get money and then come back, because I knew that if I leave, I'm not gonna come back. So I decided to borrow money and then, at the end of the day, I was working full-time and then studying part-time, and I made it work.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

But throughout that, guys, I was going through a lot. I lost friends, I was getting mad at my family members, I was getting mad at my parents. I was cutting off left and right people that I was just like they don't serve me, they don't even know what I'm going through, like. I was isolating, nobody to help me, and it was a lot. But before I knew it, it took me a long time to actually realize that I was going through depression. I literally started saying no to events. I was that extroverted friend that did not miss a party. If I could make it, I will make it, but that's the issue. Right? That's the core reason why I have this podcast is because I want you guys to put yourself first. I want you guys to recognize the needs that you have and I want you guys to implement it. You have a need. You have to implement it.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

When you're going through depression, you have to understand that the best way of actually healing the first step is to remove everything that you are not interested in, everything that, really, if you don't want to do something, don't feel bad about it, just don't do it. If you want to stay home, stay home. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to watch Netflix all day, watch it, you know. Just give yourself that time to do whatever you know. Do whatever you feel like it, because for me it was more like I was putting a lot of people first. I was putting my family first, my parents first. I had a lot of weight. You know, if my friend had some relationship issues, she would call me and I would spend hours on the phone with her while I was neglecting my study time, I had exams, literally, and someone would call me about a relationship issue and a relationship drama and drama, this and drama there, family drama and this and that. Like I didn't have time for myself, I was always giving my time to other people.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

Now you're going through depression and nobody's checking up on you, right? Nobody's checking up on you because you're the person that people go to when they need help. But when you need someone there, might they might not be around. And that's where it gets tricky, because I was really someone that was there for people, but then I realized that nobody was really there for me. So I started isolating myself and I was going through it like I didn't feel like doing anything. I was not going to birthday restaurant you know those birthday parties, restaurant, birthday, birthday dinner. I wasn't going to to them anymore and I just wanted to, to be with myself, to give myself the attention and the love that I needed. And depression really makes you do that, makes you isolate, makes you go, move even move from other like to another city or whatever but it makes you want to go somewhere where you can be alone and where you can love yourself further.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

Now, if you're the opposite, right, you're an extrovert person and you want to go and party, party, go to the gym or whatever, one thing that I would say is don't feed yourself into the toxicity, because it's just going to keep you in the depression, right? What I mean by that is when you're depressed. Yes, you can binge, watch a show and things like that, but don't drink, smoke or do all of these things that are toxic for your body a lot, because all of these things that you're feeding your body is not helping you with your depression. It's just putting you deeper and deeper in. What I would advise is to stop. By the way, I just I didn't say this before I started talking about before I started talking about depression, but I am not licensed to treat you in like a professional way and I highly recommend that you do go to therapy when you need it. Okay, but one thing that I would say is, when you're listening to this podcast episode, I want you to implement the stuff that I'm giving you as tools. But just know that I'm not a health practitioner or I'm not a professional. I don't have a PhD in these topics. So please go to a professional, especially when your intuition is telling you that you need that kind of help. So please do it now. Like go and better help or something. Sign up and go and and like do that. So yeah, depression, if you are someone that has to, you know, drink and smoke and stuff like that to feel better, please try to reduce these things. Like don't do it every day, try to do it once in a while and then try to reduce it to once a week, and then maybe once per two weeks and then once a month, and then next thing you know you don't even need to do that anymore.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

Back to the depression topic. I come from a family that do not, that has never talked about mental health. They never talked about mental health. They never talked about depression. Everyone just tough it up.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

You know, and I remember one day when I was understanding childhood traumas and I was explaining to my siblings that you know, the relationship that they have with my dad is not the same as I do, and one of them asked me to not hate my dad, to not hate my dad too much, that he has done many things for them and you know, if a lot of things a lot of good things, honestly, and the good things that I couldn't relate, right, my parents are very cultural and they believe that the way they they taught us is the best way and things like that. But I also believe that there could have been a bonding moment with my parents. Right, my dad and my mom. They could have tried more, a little bit harder, to bond with me the way they bonded with the older siblings, because when you go further down they do relate, but for them it's like that's just normal. But the sad part about all of this is the fact that they don't know how it impacted the way they love. It impacted their relationships. It impacted their health as a whole, because when you have a lot of childhood traumas, you believe that that's your identity and then you get into things that are not really good for you because you believe that that's what you deserve.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents and I can tell you today that it is great to say that you know my parents are together and stuff like that. They've been together and stuff. But it doesn't feel too great when you don't have any relationship with your parents. And I feel like a lot of Africans, kids that grew up with like an older version parents and grew up with parents that go to like they're very in the book about their culture and stuff like that. I think they can relate, because you don't really talk about mental health, you don't really talk about depression and when you go through it, you feel like a scam a little bit. You feel like you shouldn't be feeling that way. You should be grateful all the time about your parents and the sacrifice that they did for you. Okay, yeah, but like at the same time, like I'm grateful, like I'm grateful that I'm here, I'm grateful that I have this life, I will be forever grateful, but at the same time, I feel like parents are very emotionally detached or don't even give a dime of their time to their kids. I feel like we grew up to be very.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

It impacts our relationship with our partners and many people in my culture. When there's something going on in their relationship and stuff like that, they call it witchcraft. But it's actually not witchcraft. It's just an issue that you have, which is a mental health issue that causes you to treat other people that way. There's always going to be that problem child, and that problem child is probably that person that everyone has to fight in order to just have a good evening with the family. But that problem child doesn't know that they need to go to therapy, right? They just think that, oh, everyone has witchcraft and they have something against them and things like that, but they never ask themselves why they feel that way, right, and I feel like that's something that the African community I know that the younger parents nowadays.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

They have wonderful, wonderful relationships with their kids. I love seeing my friends being besties with their mom. It is something that I will never experience, but it is something that I will never experience. I believe that many people never will experience, right, because we sometimes just don't have a relationship with our parents and it feels lonely. It feels lonely and that's okay. It is okay. It's a feeling that comes in and I feel like it is also a drive that I have today, because I have a lot of nephews and nieces and I just want to be their best friends, because I never got that best friend, aunt or uncle that was my bestie.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

So, yeah, depression is something that in the African culture is not really there and I understand why Africans don't really talk about mental health either, because they live an easy life, like not easy. They learn to accept what they have. If they don't have enough, they're just happy regardless. But when you move or immigrate to a country like Canada where you have to work or where everyone is busy and you don't have time, but then when you speak up or you have another culture, right, your kid, your child, is learning with the culture that they're in right now and it's different from the African culture and it's different from the home and that's why a lot of things just don't merge, because the parents are still in Africa and your kid is in Canada. So you guys have all these different cultures and when the child is trying to talk about their emotions and stuff. You feel you're like, oh, this child is embollied or this child is disrespectful, things like that. There's a lot of things that happen, man.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

A lot of people can relate to what I'm saying right now, but it is a cause of our mental health, because we don't feel heard, we don't feel like we matter when you're supposed to be in a house, where you're supposed to call a home, but you're not able to. What happened is you feel lonely, you feel alone and for me, I went through my depression alone for many years and it's only because I told myself that it is just for a season. It's gonna be there and I'm gonna focus on what I need to focus on. And this is where I come in. In order to help yourself with your depression, you actually have to journal your journey, journal your depression journey and always ask yourself why? Why do you feel this way? Why, why, why, why, why W-H-Y. It's the why you actually have to ask yourself like, why do I feel this way today? What's going on? You self-diagnose your depression, you become your therapist and you kinda try to figure out what's gonna make you happy today. Focus on that one thing that can help you with your depression today and just do that Like, do that one thing that can help you feel better.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

Another thing is to get a guided journal. If you don't know what to write, you can get a guided journal. There's a bunch on Amazon. There's actually one of my girlfriends that she wrote a journal. I'm gonna put the link down in the show notes or in the description and it's really great, cause I've done it and I think it's great. There's also self-help books great ones.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

For me, it's really like I'm not gonna give you just like anything about mental health. You have to understand that there is a reason why For me, I remembered back in 2018, I had to focus on my finances. So I started learning from financial books. I started learning about all of these things like money was my priority and that's what I needed. So after that, I went and started like during that time, I was also taking care of myself, my body, I stopped eating certain foods and I started working out more, and then, after that, I started now taking care of my mental health. It was actually in 2020 that I ended up going to therapy.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

No-transcript actually talk about my childhood traumas. So it takes years to go through this, but it is important and at the same time, you also have to meet your goals. Like when you do something while you're depressed even if it's just to cook for the day, and you cooked pat yourself in the back, tell yourself that you did good and this is amazing. Even when you're alone, normalize talking to yourself. It is actually one thing that will help you a lot, tremendously in that depression journey.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

In that season, you want to do the things that your parents did not do. If your parents did not clap for you when you came home with the good grades, do it. You have a good grade, clap for yourself. You want to be that cheerleader and I understand that today you're doing it alone, but tomorrow, if your plan is to have a partner in the future, you know that your partner will be there for you to clap for you. But today you have to deal with it alone, and it's okay because you have to have your back. You have to have your back and you have to be your biggest cheerleader, your number one fan. It's important, everything is important for me. But, anyways, be clapped for yourself. Initially, you give yourself a high five. You know, cheerleader, you're the biggest cheerleader and you have to just cheer for yourself. And another thing is, you know, focus on that thing. That really helps you and I think for a lot of men, going to the gym helps them.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

If you feel like it's your body, like you've just been feeling overweight and stuff, don't do those quick things. You know your diet is a lifestyle. You have to actually understand the science behind a diet and the food that you should be eating and understand that you are a human being, just like a flower or a pot of, like a plant. You need water, you need sunlight. You need water and you need sunlight, like this plant needs water and needs sunlight. You do too. Right, it is something that you have to understand that you need the basics.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

There's that pyramid of Maslow you can also look at, which I think you know could be fixed, but it's something that you also need. You need companionship. You need people that you can trust. But if you don't trust yourself, how are you going to go and trust other people? Right, it all starts with you. It all starts with putting yourself first. Don't participate in things that you don't like.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

All right, stop doing that. If you don't want to do something, don't do it, but if it's something that will challenge you to be, you know better at something and you're just shying away from doing it, then fine, go ahead and challenge yourself to do that. But if you actually don't feel like doing something, don't force yourself to do it, because I've been there and I've done many, many things that I didn't want to do. But today I'm more stepping up and also sometimes I go back to that. You know people pleasing things like that, but at the same time I know that I'm not going to give up on it because it's a habit that I've been having since I was a child.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

So of course, it's not going to just go away today. It's going to take years. Right, it took me, like what, 18, 19 years or more 20 years to be a people pleaser. I cannot expect to just be better, you know, in two years. It's going to probably take me another 20 years to just forget about all of those things. And this applies to anything you do in life Food, if you're eating, you know fast food and if McDonald's is your go-to food and you've been doing that for 20 years, just know that it's going to take 20 years to stop. Same thing with drinking, smoking and all of those things. It's just going to take you a lot of time because you learned and you conditioned your body to be okay with that.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

So, yeah, last but not least, I wanted to say that depression doesn't go away. It is something that will revisit you and, especially when you tap into it and you try to fix it, you will become more vulnerable and you just have to be okay with it. It is a process. We human beings must be vulnerable. We need to be vulnerable with people. It is just how we should be.

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala:

And so if you condition yourself to be like very close-minded, or you don't like sharing personal things and you go to therapy, now therapy is trying to, like you know, break all those walls and get you to talk about your life, and it took you like three therapy sessions to finally open up. That is fine. But know that once you do open up, you become vulnerable and then depression will come. But as long as you have the tools that will help you with your mental health and you keep getting that checked, you will be fine, all right. So that is it for today. If you enjoyed this podcast episode, just let me know in the comments review, and don't forget to follow as always. Remember self-first isn't selfish. Bye-bye.