The Emmerance's Podcast

The Transformative Power of Self-Love in Relationships

• Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala • Season 3 • Episode 65

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Have you ever wondered how self-love can transform your relationships? That's precisely what we unpack in this deeply personal episode where I, Emmerance, your guide to a more empowered self, share my insights on the profound connection between self-appreciation and the health of our intimate connections. Recovered and ready, I'm here to tackle your heartfelt inquiries from Instagram, discussing everything from navigating the aftermath of a breakup to fostering personal growth. We'll talk about why a partner should complement, not complete you, and how to sidestep the hazards of low self-esteem to cultivate a space where love can truly flourish.

In our journey through the intricacies of love and self-discovery, we delve into the importance of therapy and self-improvement, especially in the solitude of singleness. It's about confronting past traumas and nurturing self-worth to step into the dating arena with confidence. I'll share why dating multiple people could be your compass in finding the right partner and the essential nature of inquiring deep early on. As we steer into the realm of intimacy, I offer my top tips for keeping the flame alive with simple, yet impactful gestures of love and open dialogues about needs and desires. Join us as we explore these pathways to enriching your life and relationships.

Freebie promotion: Grab the free Ebook The Beauty of Self-Love: How to Find Love In Your Singleness. http://emmerance.com/free-ebook

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About Emmerance:

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala is a Self-Empowerment Coach, personal development blogger and Transformational speaker. She has been helping people with their self-love and personal development journey by being their coach or accountability partner.

If you have any questions, contact Emmerance @TheEmmerance or email Victoria@Emmerance.com.

Instagram: @TheEmmerance

Website: Emmerance.com

Music Credits: @sakionthebeat

Victoria:

Being straightforward and telling your partner how you appreciate them speaks of volume, and being able to say that shows how mature you are. So feel free to tell the person that you love them often and that you also appreciate their presence in your life and how much of an impact they made in your life so far. This is the Emmerance's podcast, where we empower you to choose yourself, because there's no other human being that's more important in this world than you. This might sound selfish, but it's not. If you believe that choosing yourself is selfish, then I want you to know that self first isn't selfish, and I will tell you why. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of the Emmerance's podcast. I'm your host, Emmerance, Victoria Odia Ndala, and today, as always, I am happy and grateful for another day, and I also am so sorry, because I always do a Valentine's Day special on Valentine's Day on this podcast, but last week I was so tired and sick that I did not have time, but today I am here. I will answer the questions that I received on Instagram. I had asked my followers on Instagram for any questions that they had, if they had any questions about relationships, breakups or self-love, and I had a few. So I am going to define what relationship is and then from there, we will dive into these questions.

Victoria:

First, before I start, I would like to just say that I did not introduce myself, since I showed my face. I would like to introduce myself so that you know where I'm coming from and why I have this podcast and things like that. So, as the introduction, my name is Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala. I'm a self-empowerment coach, a personal development podcaster and a transformational speaker. I've helped many women and men in their self-development journey personal development journey and many times when I've helped them, it was usually they came to me because they had relationship issues or the went through a breakup or they had a crush on someone, but they just didn't know where to start. And when I worked with my clients, they ended up realizing that they had to work on themselves. And that's why I say like when people just put themselves first, you are gonna gonna go out there and have a higher self-esteem, you're going to love yourself more and not listen to the lies that other people are telling you.

Victoria:

And when we talk about relationships, one thing that people don't understand is the Interaction that we have with our partners when we are in a relationship. If that partner is Toxic and they show signs that they do not love us, we will definitely have Self-esteem issues coming out of that relationship. We will feel like we have nothing. We are nothing and we are a bad person. Some people have come to me saying that they are a bad person or they're not a good friend because you know so and so broke up with them and they said this and they said that. Even I also had that experience.

Victoria:

So it is important that when you're single or coming out of a relationship, really take care of you, take care of your mental health, increase that self-esteem, confidence, anything that you need to do to get back out there, because people can smell low self-esteem. Men and women alike Can smell when someone does not have their self-esteem right so they can play with you, they can tell you lies that you will believe because the person said so. But if you know exactly who you are, are you going to let another person define you? You know that's my point. So don't be in a relationship where and if you are, I'm sorry realize that it is okay to leave, but Understand that relationships are meant to complement your life or meant to make you happier, not that you need the relationship to be happy, but the relationship should be your comfort, right? You should be with someone that makes you feel comfortable, be yourself, loved, cherished, respected all of that All right. That's. That's what relationship is for me.

Victoria:

And so, when we talk about relationships, I hope that you guys have an open-minded to this, because if you're listening to my podcast episodes, I am not, like you know, go on a date and do this or just accept whoever. No, I am a strong believer that we deserve to be with who we want to be Like. If you want a type of man, you deserve to be with that type of man. Now, the only thing is you need to work on yourself. You are not gonna be able to go out there if you have a low self-esteem. The person that you're going to like, you're going to like them a lot and you're going to accept a lot of BS. That shouldn't be accepted. Now. I'm gonna answer these questions in a moment and you're going to understand what I'm trying to say.

Victoria:

So I'm just gonna talk about like singleness first, before I dive into these relationships questions, because when you're single, I believe that you should be going through therapy, healing, working on yourself, and even if you haven't been in a relationship or you've dated one person. You have to go to therapy like go to therapy. We all have childhood traumas that we have to talk about and especially if you're someone that has been putting the other people first and if you're someone that's been taken advantage of From other people, then you need to really, really work on that. So in your singleness, you should uplift yourself. You should work on your self-esteem so that when you're going out there and dating for me dating you date five and more People you know, have five people in your roaster and then go and get more and more People, get to know them. All right, but you're not gonna be able to do that if you have a low self-esteem because you're going to be like Five that's a lot. Nobody would like to even get to know me.

Victoria:

If you are thinking like that, then yeah, work on yourself, because you deserve. You are. You deserve to be cherished. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be looked at with beautiful eyes. I hope that makes sense, but, like, what I'm trying to say here is that you deserve to be loved. You deserve to really be in the relationship that helps you grow, not in a relationship that just puts you down and, you know, puts you in situations that you don't want to be in, that you become sick because of stress of that relationship. You know our partners will be a person that is really close to us. You know, depending on your goals when you're in a relationship I'm assuming that you would like to get married so for you to go home to someone that you don't feel loved, that is an issue Like you need to work on that.

Victoria:

You need to really understand that you cannot afford to have stress so close to you, you know so your partner shouldn't be a stressful factor in your life. And another thing is when you are dating, there's a few dates that you're going to go to ask those real questions, like before going on dates, know exactly what you're looking for and ask those questions so that you can match the criteria. If the person doesn't have the criteria, please remove them, like onto the next one. But anyways, I'm going to start answering these questions and there was one question that had two way. So it's how to be a giver when you're used to receive and making your partner feel seen and acknowledged to receive after being a default giver. Go to therapy.

Victoria:

You need to go to therapy, like if you are unable to make your partner feel appreciated because you are not like a giver, then you have to understand that that comes from somewhere. Right, it comes from a childhood traumas, it comes from something that happened that made you feel like you shouldn't be giving to people or people do not like your gifts, right? Things like that. Or if you're unable to receive even a compliment, even something that like say, oh, you have beautiful hair and you're like, oh, it's just, you know, luck today, like good hair day today. No, go to therapy. Go to therapy and understand that these things comes from somewhere and you are not gonna be Someone that will be a default giver, receiver or whatever, and appreciating all of that, if you don't feel like you deserve to be receiving gifts and things like that, or love just receiving love that's a lot alone speaks volume. So go to therapy.

Victoria:

When you're single, heal from all of those, not just from past relationships, but also your childhood traumas, your parents, your friends, high school, things like that. If you ever gotten bullied or you know a lot of things can go from the extreme, like molested, to you know being laughed at in your, on your physical Aspects, like body. Some people got laughed at just because they're Darker skin, doing things like that. You need to heal from that because when you go out there on dates, people can smell your insecurities, can smell your low self-esteem and some people can play with it, take advantage of it and make you a Dormat in a relationship which you don't want. So the other question, the next question, is how long should you wait for a proposal?

Victoria:

Now, for me, proposals man, I cannot answer that and tell you like three years, even though I believe that after three years and more you're basically married to that person. It will depend if you're in a long-term relationship or if you are just on and off, or If the person is like, if the relationship is long-distance. Those are big factors that can impact when you should get proposed to. But ultimately I mean, like I said, in the first few dating stages you should ask that person what are their expectations? Are they wanting to get married? Are they the type to propose and how? Like you know, know all of those things. There is no way you're gonna get in a relationship without knowing where that person stands, if they actually want to get married or not, if they want kids or not, like, stop asking people what are your favorite colors. That's not gonna help you. You have to understand that you are getting in the relationship and you are not going to waste your time. You have to be clear in your expectations.

Victoria:

Now don't be those type of women, or don't be that type of women that go out there and propose to a man Us, as women, we already initiate the proposal. Don't do the full thing. The men has to meet you halfway. Women initiates. We clearly tell them hey, we want a ring, and so that means that if you get on your knees, I'm not gonna say no, I'm ready. And so if they Cannot just get on their knees and give you that ring, that's an issue. Right, I'm not a big fan of ultimatums, but if you have to get there or go there, go for it, because there's no way You're going to get on your knees to propose, because that will bring a lot of issues. The person is not gonna respect you afterwards. It's just not gonna be working. And I mean there are some people that do work. You know it does work. There's some. You know exception, exceptions. But at the same time you have to understand that you don't want to be that one percent, because you're playing with chances here.

Victoria:

I have three more questions I had to pick. There were a few Questions that I did not pick, so I'm sorry if I did not answer your question on this video. You can and comment below and I'll be able to. You know, do another video like this if you liked and I will answer all your questions. Another question was what are Good communication tips for couples to?

Victoria:

Good communication tips that I live by. One is never, even with my friends, family, never Discuss an issue when you're angry. Never Talk about an issue when you're upset, because when we are angry or upset we don't really think straight. We will Cuss the person out and we will get impatient. Now the good time to actually talk about your issues is when you're your head is Better right, when you're no longer angry, no longer upset, you're ready to talk about those things. Okay, that's one.

Victoria:

The second thing is when you are outside with your partner, when you are with friends or family and you have an issue or the person disrespected you right there and then Don't get angry, or it's not a good time for you to start talking about your issues. Put that on hold and Discuss it either in the car on your way home or at home, as in if you're in the car going to another event. Don't talk about it in the car because you might you might trigger something in that person and the person might react wrong and might get upset. So you don't want the person to get upset and you know all of that. So work on that patience. I know it's hard, but you have to work on that patience. Be more patient with yourself. Be more patient with your partner. Understand that there's a good time. There's a timing for everything. There's a good time to discuss. It's not. Oh, brent, we're, we're gonna forget about the issue a. If that's your, your worry, then Write it somewhere. But if you are to bring something up and the person does not take the time to actually listen to you and try to understand when you're coming from, that's an issue on its own, but it's way better than trying to confront the person right there and then alright.

Victoria:

So another question is what are some ways to show appreciation to my partner? So appreciation can go from small thank yous and you know, small thank yous on things that the person did not have to do to big Like gifts and responding to the person's Love language. Now, love language. There's the book five love languages. If you do not know what it is, go look it up. It's available. It's a really wonderful book. A lot of people have you know, tried it, even myself. I know my love language and I am Assured to put it in practice in my relationship.

Victoria:

So the way to show appreciation to your partner is just by Acknowledging, acknowledge your partner, acknowledge that they are around, that they help you Appreciate, like actually tell them how you appreciate them, show them, text them. You know, however you want, like, if you have to buy something to show them how you appreciate them, go ahead, but Ultimately you want to respond to your partner's love language, right? So if their love language is quality time, then if they did something that you truly appreciated, or if they just love you and you appreciate the fact that they love you, then Spend some time with them, you know, without noise, without the internet and things like that, and even if it's just to play a video game, because they love playing video games, the person will appreciate that. But ultimately, being straightforward and telling your partner how you appreciate them speaks of volume, and being able to say that shows how mature you are. So feel free to tell the person that you love them often and that you also appreciate their presence in your life and how much of an impact they made in your life so far. Now the last question how to keep this park alive in a long-term relationship. It's the same thing as the appreciation question. Showing your partner often how you appreciate them often speaks volume, right. So to keep this park, one thing that I really love is, say, scheduling dates. So scheduling dates and doing things that are very random either going to a demo dance class or hiking, and just spending quality time, just responding to your partner's love language speaks volume. Like the person will appreciate it so much.

Victoria:

Now, communication is very key in a relationship. After trust comes communication, and if you don't know what your person love, or if you don't know what really makes you appreciate your partner more, you have to communicate. You have to understand that there's expectations, right, and the person your partner does not cannot read your mind all the time. I mean, they cannot read your mind. Your partner cannot read your mind at all. So you have to be straightforward and tell them that this is what you used to do and now you don't do this anymore, so I miss that. Can we go back to that?

Victoria:

Keeping the spark is just keeping the same old, you know, bringing flowers, chocolate, their favorite snacks, or just thinking about them, calling them, showing them that you know you're thinking about them and how much you love them. That is something that will be appreciated in your relationship, and to keep the spark also depends on the intimacy you know. You have to also know that there's levels to intimacy and you have to communicate that too. What are their expectations when it comes to intimacy and respond to that? All right.

Victoria:

So I hope that I answered your questions. If I didn't, or if you have more questions, feel free to leave a comment on YouTube and I'll be happy to make another video like this and talk about it. Another thing is, I did talk about dating and every little aspect of relationship in previous podcast episodes, so go on Spotify or Apple Podcasts to listen to them and if you have further questions again, feel free to ask. All right. So it was nice talking to you today and I hope that I answered some of your questions Now. Next time we're going to talk about boundaries. I hope you will tune into that. All right, take care of yourself and remember self first isn't selfish. Bye, bye.