The Emmerance's Podcast

Unlocking Inner Peace: The Transformative Power of Setting Boundaries

• Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala • Season 3 • Episode 66

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In this episode, host Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala delves into the crucial topic of setting personal boundaries and its profound impact on mental health and self-care.

Join Emmerance as she shares personal anecdotes and expert insights, illuminating the path towards reclaiming one's mental space and prioritizing well-being. Discover how boundaries serve as pillars of self-respect, guiding us towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Learn practical strategies for navigating the delicate balance between work and personal life, and gain valuable insights into recognizing and reinforcing healthy boundaries. Embrace the liberating power of saying 'no' and breaking free from toxic relationships, all while cultivating a deeper understanding of self-love and resilience.

Don't miss this empowering episode that reminds us that prioritizing self-care is not selfish but essential for our overall happiness and peace. Tune in to discover the courage to set boundaries and embark on a journey towards inner harmony and fulfillment.

Freebie promotion: Grab the free Ebook The Beauty of Self-Love: How to Find Love In Your Singleness. http://emmerance.com/free-ebook

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About Emmerance:

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala is a Self-Empowerment Coach, personal development blogger and Transformational speaker. She has been helping people with their self-love and personal development journey by being their coach or accountability partner.

If you have any questions, contact Emmerance @TheEmmerance or email Victoria@Emmerance.com.

Instagram: @TheEmmerance

Website: Emmerance.com

Music Credits: @sakionthebeat

Emmerance:

Reinforce it. You have to reinforce your boundaries. If you tell the person that no, like, listen, I cannot go on a date with you or, you know, I cannot just pay for you all the time when we see each other, then, yeah, next time when you see each other, the person has to pay for themselves. And if they look at you and be like, well, are you gonna pay, you have to reinforce it. You shouldn't be like, oh, because they looked at me so I thought that you know I had to pay. No, you told them already. Now, reinforce it. Reinforce it again if it happens again.

Emmerance:

This is the Emmerance's podcast, where we empower you to choose yourself, because there's no other human being that's more important in this world than you. This might sound selfish, but it's not. If you believe that choosing yourself is selfish, then I want you to know that self first isn't selfish, and I will tell you why. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of the Emmerance's podcast. I'm your host, Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala, and today, as always, I am happy and excited for yet another episode.

Emmerance:

In this podcast episode, we're going to talk about boundaries. Now, boundaries are something that many people don't know about. I did not know about it. Until fairly recently, like in recent years, especially with the things that I do as a self empowerment coach, I Realized that boundaries is the word for you know, putting a line Somewhere, like a boundary is where someone has to meet you in order for them to respect you, where you are, no, not going to feel a certain way if someone is treating you a certain way, you know. So a boundaries is the things that you would tolerate, the things that you would be okay with, and I have anything after that. If someone crosses that, then that's crossing a boundary, right, it's that line. So we're going to talk about it. And the reason why I want to talk about it is because I've read this book setting said boundaries, fine piece by Nedra Glover Tawab I Don't think I'm saying this her name right, but it's a beautiful book. I highly recommend it. You can get it on Amazon or anywhere a bookstore, I believe but anyways, she's a psychologist and she is Perfect when it.

Emmerance:

When it comes to boundaries, like, she talks about it very well and I learned so much. One thing that I want to start with is how you know the feelings that we have when we don't set boundaries, and she has resentment, anger and frustration and resentment, anger, frustration, if I Like if you are asking me like, okay, how do I know that I need boundaries Is if you get angry, frustrated or have resentment against someone. And in this book she talks about different boundaries with different groups, right, your in-laws, your boyfriend, your friends, your mom, your family members, friendship and all of that you know. She, she has, like each, chapters for each and she has examples of boundaries that you have to set. Based on her previous clients, based on her previous clients. She goes on and gives you know the clients situation and she gives her feedback on how she helped the clients with their boundaries issue and she helped me a lot in my relationships, in everything that I do Like right now, even at work. She also has a chapter for boundaries at work, in the workplace, which is really important Because people tend to do free, overtime, like they do overtime and they work for free, and for me that's I don't know.

Emmerance:

I don't think it's important, like I don't think I know work is important, but I don't think if they like, if work is paying you to work eight hours or 7.5 hours, work 7.5 hours or eight hours. That's just my point of view. Like. I think your mental health is way more important than working overtime, especially if they don't pay you right. You need. We have time for everything. We have time to work and we have time to have fun. We have time to do other things. I have time to come here and talk to you and I love it, right, but I am not going to go over time at work and do it for free. I can do like five up to 15 minutes maximum if I have to finish something, but take care of yourself, okay, because the thing with work is that they can literally get rid of you. Two weeks notice, like it's not. It's not that deep, you know. Make sure that you control that.

Emmerance:

Now, the reason why I wanted to talk about setting boundaries is because a lot of people lack boundaries we especially. That's the reason why I love this book is because she points out the exact people that I talk about when I talk on my podcast, the people that are so afraid of losing people. People are afraid of putting themselves themselves first First. People are afraid that if they do something that's selfish, it will be rejected or people will start feeling a certain way. The thing with me is that I moved to Vancouver and before moving to Vancouver, I had to kind of figure out, like, how am I going to make sure that my parents are okay, because I also have to take care of my parents, right? So the thing is, I had to put a boundaries on that. I understood that my parents did their life and I had to do mine. It's not by staying in a city where I think that I do not belong in, it's not by staying there, that I'm going to be happy. I need to put myself first, understand that I have needs and fulfill those needs, and then, after that, I will go ahead and take care of my parents, right? Even my parents. They don't have the right to say certain things about my life and my decisions, right? They were not there, they were not involved when I was growing. So the things that I'm working on right now, they cannot be like, okay, teaching me like a kid now, treating me like a kid now and thinking that they can be a parent while I'm an adult.

Emmerance:

One thing that I learned from therapy from one of my therapists. He taught me how us human beings each and every one of us have a parent, an adult and a child. The child is basically the one that wants to have fun. The child is basically that kid that you know, that kid in you that wants to watch anime, that wants to just go out and have fun, that wants to be messy and things like that. The adult is the one that's like, okay, we have to do this, like we're planning, like this is the things that we have to do, and you're making mature decisions. The parent is the one that's like, no, no, no, you can do that. You know, we're constantly in our heads, we're constantly telling ourselves that, okay, we haven't been productive enough, we haven't done this enough, and things like that. And that's like the parent talking about talking to us. The parent will tell you to not eat too much sugar. You know, like the child wants to eat those sweets, but the the controlling part that you have in your brain, that's like, okay, maybe this is too much. That's the parent. Alright, just to give you an example. And why I'm pointing this out is because a lot of us have had strict parents and now, as an adult, we are treating ourselves the same way, and it's not even about like, oh, having kids and treating our kids the same way. It's literally you, as an adult, treating yourself very strictly, based on the way your parents treated you when you were a kid, and that's why it's so important.

Emmerance:

Even in the book of setting boundaries, fine peace, she talks about healing from those childhood traumas. She talks about how our childhood affected the way we set boundaries right. So if you feel resentment, anger or frustration against someone, it is time for you to have to make those boundaries right. Boundaries are there for us to have a good mental health, to have good relationships and healthy relationships. Boundaries is our ticket of saying no and being comfortable in saying no, because a lot of people are not able to say no. Like we think that if we say no today, the person's gonna hate us. No, the person will understand that they cannot go there. You get me like. The person understands that this is the limit. The person my my friend does not like it when I do this, so I need to stop. So you teach people how to treat you. That is boundary.

Emmerance:

Now, why I believe that people need to set boundaries is really something that will help you in life. Like you really need to set boundaries, my friend, okay, especially if you have toxic family members, if you have a toxic relationship or if a friendship no longer is useful to you. You have to understand that there is time. There's gonna be a time where you need to cut ties. One thing that I understood in this life is that we did not choose our parents right. You came to this world. You probably chose them, like your spirit chose them, but your spirit is here. Now they forgot why they chose your parents. Okay, but let's say you have a toxic parent and you are looking to just live of peaceful life.

Emmerance:

That is a sign that you need to set boundaries and it's okay to cut ties with people that we believe they're blood, and we shouldn't cut ties with blood, because I think that is one of the toxicity that is spreading in this society is that blood is thicker than water. We know that, but at the same time, not all blood needs to be treated the same, because if that person was not there for you when you needed, when that, if that person was not helpful or they just brought you misery in your life, I don't understand how you're going to say to that person that, oh, that's just your dad, or that's just your mom, or that's just your brother or sister. That's just how they are. No, if that person does not realize that they're toxic, set boundaries. And setting boundaries it's also like mining your own business. Basically, it's like making sure that this is my business and I stand on it and the person cannot come and trigger this. They cannot cross this. This is my business, mine is your business, I am mining mine and that's like the ultimate power that you can ever have is setting that boundaries.

Emmerance:

And if you are unable to set boundaries, then that's because you come from a place where your self esteem is super low. You feel like you're going to lose a lot of people or you're going to hurt a lot of people, and that you're going to hurt them if you set boundaries, that the person needs you so much that your parents cannot afford housing if you're no longer there with them and you cannot get married because you have to take care of your parents. No, you need to understand that you have a life. Your parents came into this world and decided to bring you here because they love you and they will still love you, regardless of the decisions, and I know that there are some people that are toxic and those are the people that you need to cut off, whether it's a parent or not, you know. If your parent is not able to be happy because you are looking for your happiness, I'm sorry, but are they really your blood?

Emmerance:

Because I feel like if you set boundaries and the person is acting different than they were not meant to be, even when you're dating right, when you're dating, you have a criteria of the things that you want to find in a person, and when you don't have that and you tell the person you know I can't, like we can't continue, and the person is like cussing you out, you're actually better off not being in a relationship with that person. You're better off being all by yourself, because that person was just going to bring trouble in your life. And the example of that was because I believe that you have to date more than one person. Right, the dating stage, the talking stage, is not a relationship for me. So for me is I am free to go out there, meet new people and make sure that I pick the right person for me, right? So with that in my head, I have a criteria of what I'm looking for.

Emmerance:

So there was this man that we were dating and I really liked him. He was cool, and one time we were setting up the second date and I was like, okay, well, let's go out, or I think it was a third date. Actually, we did go on a second date. So we were going on a third date and we were supposed to go out somewhere. I don't know, we didn't really pick a place, but it was supposed to be out, because I have a thing I said boundaries of not going to someone's place until a certain date, right?

Emmerance:

So the person called me and was like why do I always have to pay to see you? And I was like, well, sir, that is a boundary for me, because in the criteria, what I'm looking for, I require to be taken out here and there. And if we're dating but not even on the third date yet and you are already complaining that you are to pay to see me, I'm sorry but our relationship will be hard because you are telling me that that's your boundary, that you shouldn't be paying to see me. But I need a man that will take me out, you know, as often as we can, because if I keep staying home I might lose my mind, right? I cannot stay home all the time. So that was it. I told them, I told the guy. You know what? I am not the girl for you. You need to find someone else there and then bye, that was it. You know. Simple as that.

Emmerance:

There was another guy that said that I live too far, and I said well, I think that's a problem, because if we are going to date, what do you want me to do? Live with you? I can't do that, not yet, you know. So you have to really understand that with boundaries, when you're setting them, you have to also know the criteria. Each stages of your life, each areas in your life, needs a boundary. Each relationship that you have needs a boundary, because you are going to just be frustrated, angry and resentful against someone for no reason, and those three negative emotions can really affect your health. It's going to affect your health tremendously and it's not okay. It's not okay, like it's so important to be able to just say one thing and then follow it.

Emmerance:

Now, if you're not used to setting boundaries and this is new to you I would say one challenge that I found when setting boundaries is actually sticking to it. A lot of people would say, oh, I set my boundaries. Well, I said no, but the person keeps coming back and so I ended up saying yes, so that they can stop asking no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The thing is with boundaries. You have to, unfortunately, reinforce it. You have to reinforce your boundaries.

Emmerance:

If you tell the person that no, like listen, I cannot go on a date with you or, you know, I cannot just pay for you all the time when we see each other, then yeah, next time when you see each other, the person has to pay for themselves. And if they look at you and be like, well, are you going to pay, you have to reinforce it. You shouldn't be like, oh, because they looked at me so I thought that you know I had to pay. No, you told them already. Now reinforce it. Reinforce it again if it happens again. Reinforce it as many times as you need until the person understands that they have reached your boundary and that is your boundary, right, because it happens a lot. If people that likes to come to you for to borrow money and you are saying no now they will come back again because they're used to you saying yes. So you shouldn't be giving up just because they're re in for their Continuing and they're persistent right, and that's also a big, it's a really big challenge, because there can be like a small boundary and there can be a huge one, and it's not always like.

Emmerance:

You cannot compromise in your boundaries, especially if it's something that's dear to you, it's something that you cannot live without, it's something that will impact your mental health if you let it go through. You have to understand that a boundary can impact your mental health, your health in general. Actually, you can start getting sick just because your boundaries have been getting breached all the time and you cannot take it anymore and you live with stress because you're so afraid of disappointing your parents or Disappointing your partner because they expect you to do something. No, it's time for you to open up and have that conversation and say, hey, I cannot always be the one receiving all of these negativity when you have an issue. You shouldn't be just calling me for that. If someone is always calling you for their problems, enough and and stuff, but they're not actually calling you because they care about you, you need to set a boundary, especially if that gets you frustrated.

Emmerance:

Alright, so I was not planning to make this episode long at all, because it was really a straightforward message that I had. I'm almost done this book and I think it's a wonderful book. Again, here it is. Here it is. You have to set boundaries, my friend. It's important.

Emmerance:

If you want to put yourself first, boundaries is key, key, key, key. Like I cannot stress this enough. Put yourself first, implemented, reinforce it, work on it. If you need to go to a therapist in order to work on your boundaries, in order to figure out how you can implement these boundaries, do it. I've been to therapy many times and I'm sure you will love this experience, because psychology, psychology helps a lot, especially when it comes to your mental health, emotional health. Alright, so if I missed anything, let me know in the comments below. I will Talk about it in a different episode. Or if you want me to give you some examples of boundaries or situations, or if you want to share your story, go ahead and, you know, share it below and in the comments and I'll be happy to Discuss further. Alright, so that was it for today. Remember self first isn't selfish. Bye, bye.