The Emmerance's Podcast

The Importance of Breakups in Relationships

• Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala • Season 3 • Episode 68

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Have you ever found yourself at the end of a relationship, swimming in a sea of whys and hows? My own transformation from heartbreak to a self-empowerment coach has been nothing short of remarkable, and in today's heartfelt conversation, I, Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala, share with you the silver linings of those painful goodbyes. Every breakup story holds a lesson waiting to be discovered—if we're willing to turn the page. I opened up about the profound impact my niece had on my perspective, proving that wisdom doesn't always come with age. Through personal anecdotes, I express how past breakups were crucial to my journey toward self-worth and the art of placing yourself at the top of your own priority list. It's not selfish; it's essential for true happiness and personal alignment.

Transitioning into the realm of love and companionship, I lay out the roadmap to nurturing healthy relationships that echo your personal aspirations. If you've ever found yourself tracing the same loops in your love life, wondering why you're not connecting with partners who elevate you, this episode is your beacon. I highlight the underestimated power of asking discerning questions during the dating phase, steering clear of settling, and why patience in love is more than just a virtue—it's a strategy. Join me as I share my journey of finding love in Vancouver and how this experience birthed a relationship coaching program designed to help others. If you're ready to step into a new chapter where self-improvement meets the promise of meaningful relationships, let's embark on this journey together.

Sign up for the Group Coaching program (copy and paste the link): https://exceptional-pioneer-5604.ck.page/52d01521b6

Freebie promotion: Grab the free Ebook The Beauty of Self-Love: How to Find Love In Your Singleness. http://emmerance.com/free-ebook

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About Emmerance:

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala is a Self-Empowerment Coach, personal development blogger and Transformational speaker. She has been helping people with their self-love and personal development journey by being their coach or accountability partner.

If you have any questions, contact Emmerance @TheEmmerance or email Victoria@Emmerance.com.

Instagram: @TheEmmerance

Website: Emmerance.com

Music Credits: @sakionthebeat

Victoria:

When you find yourself, when you define who you are, you will realize that you are no longer to be with people that are toxic. You are no longer to be with people that not necessarily toxic also, but people that are not aligned with your goals. This is the Emmeran's podcast, where we empower you to choose yourself, because there's no other human being that's more important in this world than you. This might sound selfish, but it's not. If you believe that choosing yourself is selfish, then I want you to know that self first isn't selfish, and I will tell you why. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of the Emmerance's podcast. I'm your host, Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala, and today I'm here with the brand new look. Of course, as a black woman, I love the fact that we can change our hair. We look like a total different person each time, anyway. So today, as always, I am happy to be here. I'm happy and grateful for another podcast episode, because God gave me inspiration, and this inspiration came from, shout out, my niece. I'm going to keep her name private, but I love you. Thank you for supporting me. She literally supports me every step of the way, so, and she's young too, but she wanted me to tell you guys or share with you how important a breakup is. Actually, she asked me to talk about the importance of a breakup, so I'm here to talk about it. Yeah, because she at 10 years old, she understood that breakups are important and I'm like Damn. I mean some people when they go through that, it does not look like it's important, it looks like it's hell. Basically, when you're going through a breakup, it can take six months, one year, two years to get over your ex. But I always say that breakups are a blessing in disguise, like you guys don't understand, the reason why you were with someone is because of the person that you were then right. So what I mean by that is, let's say, for me, as an example, I have three exes and I'm currently in the relationship going two years in July. I am just so happy that I went through those three breakups because it made the Victoria that I am today, the person that I am now calling a coach, a self empowerment coach, a personal development podcaster and a transformational speaker. That's what breakups does, because my first breakup my actually, let me tell you guys something this is the longest relationship that I've ever been.

Victoria:

I cannot talk for everyone else, I can only speak for myself, my experiences, and honestly I say that our exes were there and they were there and back when we were that person. We're in the past, we love them. So I'm not here to bash anyone. So if I say anything it's not because I hate them. I believe that, you know, everyone deserves to be with someone that would love them and that they love and cherish.

Victoria:

And for me, I just didn't feel like it was the case with my exes, and my first boyfriend didn't last even two months. Literally, we were on and off. The second one it lasted a few months, but it was a lot of on and off, on and off, on and off. Same with the third one two breakups and the last one. I had the hardest breakup in my life. Okay, my last, my last ex, my last ex was literally it was really hard, like I understood what a breakup was. Like my first boyfriend yes, it took me a year to get over him, even though it was a relationship that was less than like two months. I still felt you know a certain way and I was still hanging out around him and I was young and naive and things like that.

Victoria:

My second boyfriend I'm the one that initiated the breakup, like the first boyfriend. He's the one that initiated the breakup, I'm the one, I'm the one and the third one. It was mutual and I tasted them all Like. My third breakup was one that I cried myself home Like I was driving home crying my balls out. Okay, I was crying hysterically and I was so mad at myself because let me tell you one thing this is a personal development podcast. I am teaching you how to put yourself first, how to love yourself. But when I had my last boyfriend, he was one of those you know guys that understood personal development and he was really into it, gave me a few books, you know we. We knew we were in the same category type of thing. Let's say, like when you meet someone and you guys know what type of conversation you guys can have, he's that type of person. So that means that I had already worked on myself.

Victoria:

So as soon as I broke up with my second boyfriend, I started working on myself. That's really when I was like enough is enough. I'm tired of putting people on the pedestal. I want to put myself first. I want to treat myself and teach people how to treat me. I want to love myself unconditionally and teach other people how to love me.

Victoria:

So the issue here is I was in denial, basically, when COVID hit. A lot of women can say this, but we were in a relationship just because we didn't want to be lonely and or not go through. We didn't want to go through COVID alone. You know hashtag Risa Tisa and it's something that I find very interesting because for me, I felt like I was in a relationship because they didn't want to be alone during COVID. It was not because I didn't want to be alone.

Victoria:

So the reason why I kept going back to him, it was because I thought that I worked on myself and I was ready to be in a long term relationship and I was forcing it. Keyword forcing it. Forcing it is when you know that the person does not love you but you're still trying your hardest to meet that expectation. If the man does not like fat women and they just want slim, you know nice and working out and stuff, you will do everything within your power to get there. I was so skinny but I still felt like I was fat. I was unhealthy, I was on keto diet, had cardio workouts. I was working out. Monday to Friday I was out there. I was working on myself and I thought that I was working on myself, but I was actually trying to meet the expectation. I was trying to meet the type of woman that I knew that this person liked. Why? Because the way he talked about women, right.

Victoria:

But at the same time I knew that he did not love me like that. I knew that it was not gonna go far, because I could see I could like the, the, the actions. The actions were not there, you know, and what I mean by action is when you're in a relationship with someone. What I knew was that when men are in a relationship with the women, or even when a man likes you, they will do their Everything to show you off. They're everything to to make sure that you're okay, that you're. You know good, they are not gonna ghost you, they're not gonna give you the silent treatment. And if they do, that means first, they're not mature enough and second is there's a lack of love somewhere, because when someone loves you, you will not Make them feel a certain way. You know you will try to always fix a situation and for me it's like I went through it all. I went through toxicity, because it had a toll on my mental health and when we broke up I thought I had done Everything to please a man and it did not go anywhere. I Was so mad at myself. I was asking myself, like why, god? Like why is it that I'm trying my best, I've worked on myself and stuff like that, but I cannot satisfy this man little that I know that I was not the one and why I'm seeing breakups are a blessing and why it's important, why it's important to break up, especially when it's a toxic relationship.

Victoria:

We're talking about toxic relationships here. If you're in a relationship, You're happy, the person loves you fine, and you and you and you can see it, not just hear it and you're like, okay, he loves me. He says that he loves me, so I'll believe him. No, he actually has to put in the work. All right, I understand that we all come from different backgrounds.

Victoria:

You know you might meet someone that's not really the same color as you and stuff. But, boy, that person will treat you as like the queen that you are, you know, with respect, and if you are men listening to this, it's the same concept. The women will treat you as the king that you are. There's no disrespect, she's not gonna do things to disrespect you. She's not gonna do things to hurt you. If she loves you, she's not just gonna be like this, this missing everything that you're telling them there's gonna be work. You know you're gonna work. That's what a really a healthy relationship is. You're working on this relationship, you're communicating, you're telling each other what you like, what you don't like and things like that. But you cannot expect to be in a healthy relationship when someone is just all words and no actions, when someone is disrespecting you in public, when someone you're seeing something, you're asking something, and they don't even bother doing what you're asking. That's dangerous. So for me, breakups are super important because it makes you grow. It doesn't only make you grow, but it also makes you realize what you deserve and what you need. Because that's what I realized Right after that breakup.

Victoria:

I really couldn't handle myself. It was so hard. It was like traumatizing. I don't even know how to explain it. It was traumatizing, guys, when I'm telling you, like when you're watching a movie, let's say, you're watching a movie and you see that scene where the person is driving and they're crying. That was me, okay, and so it was hurtful to a point where I had to do everything within my power to get myself, to get back on my feet. That means therapy, writing letters where I'm like you know, this is this is what you did and this is what hurts the most. I wrote letters. I blocked him everywhere. It was crazy. I don't. I didn't block him anymore, like he's unblocked, because I'm healed, I'm moved past that, I'm in a really beautiful relationship, that I can feel the love you know. But back then I wouldn't be here if I didn't experience that.

Victoria:

So breakups are important. If you are in a relationship where you are feeling, especially that intuition right, your intuition is telling you that this person is cheating on me, this person does not love me, I deserve better. Or just like I'm so sick and tired of always repeating myself, of always trying to do this and do that and asking this and asking that and nothing is being done. You need to understand that enough is enough. Breakups are important because the reason why you're even going through that is because you love this person when you were that naive person before, the person that you were when you met that person is not the same as you are today. And when you're working on yourself in a relationship, it also brings out people that do not belong in your life. When you find yourself, when you define who you are, you will realize that you are no longer to be with people that are toxic. You are no longer to be with people that not necessarily toxic also, but people that are not aligned with your goals.

Victoria:

Right, let's say you are in a relationship and it's healthy, but the men just want to, you know, have a certain type of income, but you feel like you see yourself going up there. You know, if that person has the type of mentality that, okay, they don't want to go like, they're already comfortable where they are right now and they don't want to grow and get more money, that's an issue, right, because you want something else. It is important to understand that and that's just like, oh hi, right, I'm going extreme, but let me just give you a simple example. Let's say you're in a relationship and your partner does not want kids, but you want kids. A breakup is important because you need to find someone that aligns with your goal.

Victoria:

When you are having a position, right, I feel like partnership, the partnership, the person that should be next to you for the rest of your life, live life with you and explore the world with you and go through the high and lows of life with you, that person needs to be aligned with your vision. If you see yourself as a housewife and you want to be, you know housewife and a home, stay at home wife, and you don't want to work and things like that, but you're with someone that believes that a woman should do 50-50. Like it's right there. For me, it's important to understand that what you are signing up for will hit you later on in the future. So it's better to end it now than end it later and make it harder, because when you end it later, you will start realizing that, oh my gosh, we spent so much time and years together. Like, what about all this, this things that we, we, we did, the memories and stuff like that? Babe, it was just experience. You are, you were meant to experience that.

Victoria:

But if you really want what you want for your future, you have to understand that. You have to be very specific and your partner cannot be just anyone. They have to be someone that's also okay with following your goals and everything that you're setting yourself up for. Breakups are there for you to really say that, okay, this is not what I want. I want something else, and of course it's going to be hard, of course the whole breaking up and stuff is going to be hard, but you cannot afford to stay in a status quo, to stay stagnant in a situation, in a relationship that you know that doesn't serve you, that doesn't go with what you want.

Victoria:

Being in a healthy relationship should be the goal, not just being in a relationship. Being in a healthy relationship is the goal. All right, being in a relationship that both of you guys understand each other. You guys want to grow together. There's no slacking, there's no changing of personality down the line, and if the person does, then you have to understand that it's okay to cut your loss. That is the true definition of cutting your losses. It is an experience that you had, you understood it and now you know that, okay, this is the lesson. And also one thing that I also don't understand about some people is they have a boyfriend today. The person was toxic and stuff, and now you're growing, right, you are growing and you learn that, okay, this person, they said something here and then a few months later they change. Let's say, three months later they changed.

Victoria:

Next time when you're dating. Try to make sure that you ask. Ask the questions that you didn't ask, right? One thing about me and my three exes is I did not actually do the dating process with them. One thing that I realized with my exes is that I did not do the dating process. What does that mean? I did not do first date, second date, third date or a few dates until I am comfortable, until I decide that, okay, they are actually cool people and I and I see myself with them long term. You know, I was just like oh, you love me, oh, you like me. You say that you love me. You say that you like me. You say that you want to be official, sure, without them actually working for it, and I can't tell that a lot of people do that. A lot of people are in relationship just because the person you know likes them and there's nobody else out there, so they will go with them.

Victoria:

No, listen to the podcast episode. People don't know how to date. It's in on. I think I shared it on YouTube. It's not a video podcast, but it's one of the podcast episode that I shared and I highly recommend you to go listen to it if you have questions and you want me to talk about the dating process, of how I would date, because I dated and I met this man that I have today is because I did the dating process.

Victoria:

And one hint you're not dating just one person at a time. You are selecting the person that fits what you want and you are going for that, but you cannot select if you don't have options. So you need options, okay. So, in short, breakups are hard. Breakups feels like hell, breakups feels like the end of the world, but let me tell you it's not. It's a beautiful thing. Breakups are there to make you realize that you're growing and, if anything, it's just a life lesson. It's a life lesson. It's something that you cannot just say, hey, I broke up, so let me find a new one.

Victoria:

No, you actually have to sit down and kind of think about what made you go through that. What are the steps that you took in order for you to be in a toxic relationship? What are the steps that you took in order for you to be with someone that you thought they were really kind, but then, at the end of the day, they're not? Maybe you did not vet properly, maybe you did not ask the important questions. What made you be with someone that's abusive? Maybe you did not ask the right questions, maybe you did not give it enough time to get to know the person. Maybe, when they did something that was toxic, you let it go.

Victoria:

Those are the things that you should take in consideration and, believe me, when you understand that, when you know exactly what you did wrong in your previous relationships and you're going into dating and you don't put that aside, you actually learn from your past, you're going to find the one. You're going to find the one and you just need self-discipline. I say that because a lot of us are not patient. We just say, oh, it's so hard to date, so I'm just going to find anyone that's just out there ready for me to be with them. No, you need to know how to date, you need to practice and you need to just have fun with it. Yeah, so breakups are a blessing in disguise. You just have to really learn from your past. It's super important. It's going to save you a bunch of time.

Victoria:

If you are in the place where you're sick and tired of dating, believe me, it's probably because you did not learn from your past experiences and you are still looking for the superficial. Maybe you are not probably vetting properly, you are not looking into what you really want, or you don't even know what you want. Some people are just like, oh, I don't have preferences, I just want anyone. Okay, but no, because if you want to be somewhere in life, you also have to have a type of partner. So what is that type of partner that you want? Right, like, it's for me, it's common sense. But common sense is not so common because I was also there, right, I was in a place where I did not learn from my mistakes. I thought that you know, I can just go out there and get whoever wants me.

Victoria:

But then, when I started to learn more about myself, to get to know me better, I stopped being like non-standards, like, I started having standards, like real solid standards. I started reviewing my non-necoshables and I started to actually get to know people for who they are and not for what they're saying, that they are like for their actions and not words, right? So if you want someone to be, you know generous, you know what to do, ask them to take you on a date and if they pay for the meal, then yeah, they're generous, things like that. Anyways, I'm gonna have like a different podcast episode for dating, but right now I am planning a group coaching program to help people to get in a healthy relationships. So I am looking for people that are interested and that want to be in a relationship in the next year. Alright, like I'm saying, like once you get the coaching from that year, you should be in a relationship. That is my goal. I want to teach people the things that I've done in order for me to get in a relationship.

Victoria:

I literally moved to Vancouver in March and I got into myself in a relationship in July that same year and it's because I put in the work and I wanted to share the gem that I did and the things that we can also plan for you to date out there. If you're interested, click, copy paste the link below and, you know, sign up for it. It's going to start in April, not exactly the first week of April because I have somewhere to be, but you know, after that, when I come back from that vacation, we are going to work on ourselves. We're going to get in a relationship. So I'm it's going to be a small group of women or men, whoever you are really, if you're looking to be in a relationship. I am going to be having a group coaching session for four weeks, so sign up in the link below. Alright. And one more thing is remember self first isn't selfish. Bye, bye.