The Emmerance's Podcast

Finding Love Through Self-Love: The Key to Empowered Dating and Building Lasting Relationships

• Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala • Season 3 • Episode 69

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Discover the transformative power of self-love in dating with our latest podcast episode. Learn how prioritizing self-worth revolutionizes the search for love, steering away from external factors towards inner fulfillment. Explore the significance of creating a vision board for your love life and gaining clarity in partner preferences. Uncover the truth that we're already complete, debunking the myth of finding someone to fill a void.

Gain insights into navigating modern dating dynamics with intentionality and non-negotiables. Understand the importance of actions over promises and the wisdom in continuing the search for a truly compatible partner. From online platforms to networking events, equip yourself with practical tips for the journey ahead.

Join us as we redefine self-love as the cornerstone of a thriving love life, empowering you to choose relationships that resonate deeply and stand the test of time. Dive into this episode and embark on a journey towards authentic connection and enduring happiness.

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About Emmerance:

Emmerance Victoria Odia Ndala is a Self-Empowerment Coach, personal development blogger and Transformational speaker. She has been helping people with their self-love and personal development journey by being their coach or accountability partner.

If you have any questions, contact Emmerance @TheEmmerance or email Victoria@Emmerance.com.

Instagram: @TheEmmerance

Website: Emmerance.com

Music Credits: @sakionthebeat

Emmerance:

You have to be willing to date until you're 50. I say that because you are not going to settle down, and it's not because the person says that they love you that you are going to give them a chance. You have to also understand that, even though I said that women we learn to love, you also have to be attracted to that person. This is the Emmerance's podcast, where we empower you to choose yourself, because there's no other human being that's more important in this world than you. This might sound selfish, but it's not. If you believe that choosing yourself is selfish, then I want you to know that self first isn't selfish, and I will tell you why. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of the Emmerance's podcast. I'm your Emmerance, victoria Odia Ndala, and today, as always, I am grateful for another episode, and I wanted to talk about dating. Today, however, this one will be a little bit different. So grab a pen and paper, because it's like me teaching you how to date. All right, I'm going to teach you those steps that I did in order for me to get myself in a good, healthy relationship, and we are going to start right now. I don't want to waste your time, okay, so I just want to get into it. So, basically, my podcast episode today is self love in dating how to put yourself first while you're dating. Now, before I start, I always define what something means. Like, if I talk about a specific topic, I have to define it, so we have to be on the same page, all right. So dating for me might be different from yours, from your definition, but if I was single today and I had to go out there and date, I would define dating and I still believe this is what the true definition of dating is. I'm taking a bit of time on this one because what I'm about to say people don't agree with it. Men do this unconsciously, like they just do it, but women, we have to think twice, like I don't know what's wrong with us, but we have to think twice before we even see dating as this, because my definition of dating was not like what I'm about to share a few years ago, all right, and I'll share with you why. So hold on tight. So, basically, dating for me again, dating for me means that you are searching, you are in the market and you are selecting whoever you know resonates with you, someone that really fits the description of the partner that you want and you choose. All right.

Emmerance:

Dating is not a relationship Talking stage, getting to know you stage, or just you know all those stages before you actually get in. The relationship for me is dating. There's no, oh, I'm just talking to him, so he has special treatment. No, for me, dating. When it comes to dating, you are doing that talking stage with different men and you should have at least five men in your roster. And, of course, I'm a woman. I'm going to talk to my women today. If you're a man listening to this and you want to get some tips on dating, then go ahead, because I believe that it also applies to men or women. I just feel like people should know how to date. Now I'm probably repeating the same thing as I said before in a previous episode called people don't know how to date, but this is going to be more specific on how to put yourself first while you're dating. All right, so let's get into it.

Emmerance:

So the definition of dating is you know you're in the market, you're getting to know people, multiple men at the same time, until you select that only one person and you guys get in an agreement to be in a committed relationship Now, before you start dating, one thing that you must absolutely do is figure out what is your childhood traumas and work on it. Many people have childhood traumas. We are living in with anger, we are working like going day to day with stress because of some unresolved issues. Deal with your childhood traumas. Work on yourself. That self esteem has to be on point not 100%, because self esteem has its ups and downs.

Emmerance:

But you have to be so confident that when you are dating, whatever someone is telling you like a comment, one comment that I got when I was dating was you're so tall or oh, you're actually smart like I, you're beautiful and things like that. And for me, even if it's good or bad Compliments, I will not let that define me. I want the person, the man, to tell me something that I don't know. You know I am beautiful, I know I'm beautiful, so tell me something that I don't know, right? So, basically, when you are about like to date, in order for you to know if you're ready, it's really ask yourself like, are you going to just Melt because someone called you beautiful or someone gave you flowers on the first date or you know things like that, like you have to be on phase by those things. So your self-confidence has to be in the, in the place where, if someone brings you flowers or opens the door for you when you guys are Going on a date, it's not a surprise, because it's the treatment that you deserve, it's the treatment that you need and require.

Emmerance:

You are not going to lower yourself to the bare minimum, alright. So because it's very important to not fall for those, you know, small gestures. The thing that makes women fall for those small gestures is because they're not used to that treatment. They're not used to the you know, courting properly. They're not used to Having to be taken care of. You know, and for me, I believe that it is so important for you to work on yourself and for me, it is something that helped me with my dating journey.

Emmerance:

So when you're going out there on the dates, the second thing is know what you want. All right, knowing what you want. If you don't know what you want, I encourage you to listen to the podcast episode. You know vision boards. I think how to create a vision board, because I talk about that. Knowing what you want is basically having you know a Vision for your life, like what kind of life you want to live and being so like, specific. You have to be specific, right. You have to look in your future and be like what is the type of life that I want to live? Do you want to be a housewife? Do you want to be someone that's independent and have their business? Do you want to be the breadwinner? Do you want to, just, you know, be spoiled and be a princess? Like what does your future entails? Like, when another partner, when another man comes in your life, what are they going to bring? So, know what you want, know what your life looks like, very like. Picture yourself there, picture yourself in that future, visualize it and think.

Emmerance:

And another thing about that I wanted to mention when I was talking about childhood traumas and like making sure that your self-esteem is 100 is understanding that when you are going on a date, okay, it's also important to define what a relationship looks like for you. All right, define that and also understand that, for me, when you're in a relationship looking for a partner, they're not there to complete you. They're not your missing piece. They're not something that like a piece of puzzle that you've been missing so that you can be happy. No, you have to be happy single Right now. You have to be so happy with yourself, so in love with yourself, that you get to a point where you're dating you're looking for someone that can share the happiness with you.

Emmerance:

You are dating not to complete yourself but to compliment yourself. It's like a side dish that you have that makes the main meal beautiful, that makes the main meal enjoyable. Does that make sense? Like you're looking for someone that will add some salt in your life, add some flavor, right? Not that you're missing any, but they're just bringing something that will compliment it, right. So, basically, when you are going to, you know, before dating, you have to really understand that first you have to define what dating is, what relationship is, and then you also have to work on yourself, like literally work on yourself love, self-esteem, self-confidence, all of these things and also understand that you are not looking for someone that is a missing piece. You're not looking someone to complete you, all right.

Emmerance:

And then, once you figure out what your life looks like, you have to also describe what kind of partner will go with that lifestyle. You cannot be the type of woman that just dates because you want to date. You have to understand that everything has a purpose, every single man that you're going to meet are different. All right, if you want to be a housewife, you want to be taken care of. You want the men to be the breadwinner, someone that will work and you'll be at home taking care of the kids at home, or whatever. However you want it, you have to understand that it will come with a price right. It has to come with a man that wants the same lifestyle, that wants to be the breadwinner, that wants a woman that stays at home. You get me right. So, basically, not only that, but you also have to describe the characteristic of that person. Is that person, is the person that you want, generous? Is the person you want you know, intelligence in a way that you like? Is the person fit? Is the person a vegan? Is the person part of some kind of religion? And with that you know, write them down.

Emmerance:

Write down what you're looking for in a man and also understand that you have to have non-negotiables. Non-negotiables are things that you will not back down. It's something that you will not back down if the person doesn't have it. And for me, the non-negotiables are more like religion, politics and things like that, like what are your views on stuff, because people will get in conflict just because they do not believe in the same things, right? So if you want an example of a non-negotiable, for me it's like it has to believe in God and it's not like he has to be a Christian. For me, I don't mind if you're Muslim or whatever, but you have to know that there's a higher power out there and you have to be able to pray for the higher power. Right, have discipline. So that was one of my non-negotiables and, of course, I got someone with that right. So, basically, those are the things that you will need, all right.

Emmerance:

And when you are clear and you write a list and you feel ready to put yourself out there, you have to decide how are you going to find these people? Are you going to go on online dating? Are you going to go out more? Are you going to go to networking events? Or are you going to sign yourself up for blind dates or speed dates? All of these things and I've done those, except for the blind dates, but I've done those speed dating and stuff. It's fun.

Emmerance:

However, before you get there, I want you to understand that dating is a journey, just like how marriage is a journey. Relationship is a journey. Dating is a journey. If you are in love with yourself and you're happy single, you will find dating like a beautiful game, because it's just there for you to get to know people and to just enjoy the process of it. You will not enjoy the process if you always have expectations, if you always look at the clock and you're like, oh my gosh, I've been dating people for three months and nothing. When you are dating, if I had a kid today and my child wanted to get married, I would tell her listen, when you're dating today I don't know today, like right now, when you're dating, you have to set yourself up to date for years, at least 50 years, until you find the person that you want. You get me you have to be willing to keep dating without being in a relationship, to keep dating until you find the description that you're looking for. Let's go back to that description.

Emmerance:

I want you to at least have three non-negotiables and then you will have your list. I want you to have a list, a precise list. It can be height, it can be character, it can be personality, it can be the job, the lifestyle, whatever. Be precise If you find someone that has 30% of what you have in your list, you can learn to love them for the rest of the characteristic or whatever, as long as they have your non-negotiables, because non-negotiables are going to define your happiness in that relationship. Non-negotiable is going to define if you guys are going to be compatible, because those are the things that you will never get back down from. If you meet someone that doesn't want kids but you want kids, that is a sign for you to say you know what. This is not going to work, even if that person has 99% of the rest of your list, because if having kids is very important for you, you are signing up to be miserable if you go in a relationship with that person. So remember that.

Emmerance:

So I'm kind of all over the place, but I wrote notes so that I don't get out of track. So, yeah, back to the the conversation of dating for 50 years. The point of that is that you will not settle down. Okay, I don't want you to go out there and settle for less, because us black women, we tend to date down instead of dating up. I want you to find happiness and I'm not going to tell you how much the men has to Making stuff. You have to define that for you. You know, I'm not the type of coach that's going to tell you this is what that type of men has to have and this isn't stuff like that.

Emmerance:

Me. I want you to be okay with what you're having and to start loving what you have, because one thing is what I understood about life is that we came on this earth right, and if you're a lonely child, you still did not pick your parents. But at the same time, you learn to love them. Right? We love certain people Unconditionally, like our siblings and stuff. We lived with them for maybe 18 years of our lives and we got to just love them for who they are. Right, you learn to love your siblings. You learn to love your parents, your cousins, your family. That will have to be in your life, you know. So what I'm trying to get at is when you are getting in a relationship with someone, you have to understand that you do not know this person. All right, that person came with their own culture, let life, lessons, experiences and all of that right. So Education is important and, honestly, they did not get the same education as you because education is at home. We might learn the same thing at school, but my education comes from my parents, all right, so it's the same thing for your future partner. They had different Education's. That means you have to start loving, learn how to love them.

Emmerance:

And for us women, one thing that I can I can't tell you not to do is to not fall for a man. First. You have to let the man love you because we are made different, men and women. We are just so different. All right, and men falls in love with the body first and then will fall in love with the personality after. But as women, we can fall in love with the, the physics, and then after that we fall in love with the personality, regardless, because the person is beautiful or we can still love, fall in love with the personality, but if the person is not really the type that we want physically, we learn how to just love them because we're a nurturer, we're, we're, most of us are, have empathy, most of us have the power of just Loving the person. And that's why many of us stay in unhealthy relationships, because we think we believe that the person is gonna change. But one thing, another thing is don't fall for the potential, fall for what you see now. Don't fall for the talk, fall for the actions again, don't fall for the potential, fall for what you see now and Don't fall for the talks before for the actions.

Emmerance:

All right, let's say you met the person online and the person has been telling you what they do and that they're generous and that they Don't play, and that they do this and they're a gentleman or whatever. What does that look like for you? Let's say, gentlemen, for you, a gentleman opens the door for you and you a gentleman, pays for the first day for you, a Gentleman, do all of these things that a gentleman must do. Now, if you meet the person in person and they don't do none of that, or they open the door for you on your way to the car and Then when you're leaving, coming out of the restaurant, they just don't do it. You know lack of consistency. You have to pay attention to the consistencies.

Emmerance:

All right, there's so many things that can happen when you're dating, but you have to be so strong. One thing when I was dating, when I realized that I had to really put in the work as a woman. What it means for me is like I have to really be careful. Right, I have to be careful and like follow my intuition as Much as I can, because I cannot just trust what I see. I have to trust my intuition. My intuition works for me and wants the best for me. So if my intuition is not feeling someone, whether they say an act different, I am going to take my time with that person and my intuition will most likely tell me that, yep, this is why I did not want you to be there, this is why I did not want you to go far with that man and all that.

Emmerance:

Anyways, when you're dating, right, so first don't settle down. And the other one is you have to be willing to date until you're 50. I say that because you are not going to settle down and it's not because the person says that they love you that you are going to give them a chance. You have to also understand that, even though I said that women we learn to love, you also have to be attracted to that person. You have to make sure that they actually fit your description, the description that you want for your boyfriend, your future husband and all that they have to. It's not because a man loves you that says that they love you that you're going to go with them. No, have some you know self-respect. You want to be with someone that you guys mutually love each other and that's how you guys can be able to fight for each other. Able to communicate non-stop, because communication is very real when you're in a relationship. That is something that I learned recently.

Emmerance:

You have to be willing to fight for your person. You have to be willing to actually sit down and discuss the you know every challenges that you guys can face. And if you don't love the person, if you're just in a relationship because the person loves you first, you are wasting your time. Second, you're most likely not going to fight for your relationship. So you have to be real with yourself and understand that we are not dating to find someone to pity. Okay, you're not going to get in a relationship because you pitted someone, not because the person loves you, and you don't really feel anything. You know, unless you do feel it low key, your intuition is telling you you know that person knew you like them. They're probably dorky, they're probably have their own stuff, but you feel at home with them and I would say why not? That is okay. If your intuition is telling you and you want to check them out, fine, but if you are 100% sure that that person is not for you and you feel a certain way when they're around you, you know like no, and I have a lot to say when it comes to dating, but I don't want to make this long.

Emmerance:

The last point that I want to say is don't do things that you don't want to do. Don't do things that you don't want to do when you're going out there on dates. Okay, whether you meet the person online or outside, if you're not comfortable letting them come get you to bring you to the date and stuff, don't do it. Drive yourself, take an Uber, it's fine. If you are not comfortable going to this men's place after the third date, that is fine. Give yourself time.

Emmerance:

One thing that I had put in the list of the men like one thing that I actually wanted in a men is someone that does not push me to do stuff, because I am someone that you know. If someone suggests something, I'm always like okay, fine, I don't really think too much. That is something that I worked on and it's it's. It's not the same anymore. Of course, if I don't want to do something right now, I don't. My boundaries are my boundaries. I respect my boundaries. I have to respect my boundaries.

Emmerance:

But if someone, after the date they're like you know, let's go to another bar and you know, catch another, like, have another drink, and you don't want to do that, why are you doing that? Don't do it If they are the one that drove you there and you have to rely on them to go back and they are like well, I drove baby girl. There's taxis, there's Uber, just get yourself home. Your safety is the priority here and I and I don't want people to go on dates just because, like, because the person is forcing you to do something. If you don't want to, you don't All right. So I'm going to stop here.

Emmerance:

If you are struggling with dating and you're looking to date and stuff like that, I am starting a group coaching program healthy relationship how to get in a really healthy relationship. I'm still working on the title. All right, but if you want to be on the list, I'm looking for less than five women. Five will be my max. I want five people. Men can also sign up, but mainly for women. Link is in the description below. Sign up and I will see you in April.

Emmerance:

If you need assistance with your dating. If you have, like you know, anything that has to do with dating, all right, we're going to work together. I want to build something. I really want people to be in healthy relationships. I really want people to experience what I am experiencing in my personal life with my boyfriend that I love dearly, and we've been together for almost two years now and this is the longest relationship that I've ever had in my life. We're already talking about marriage. So if you guys see me with a ring here next time, just know that you know we got there Anyways. So yeah, so if you are interested in working on your dating skills, sign up. The link will be in the description below. And again, just remember always self first isn't selfish. Bye, bye.